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Martian & McDonalds

mc_logo.gif (6032 bytes) McDonald's means: "light snack" in the Martian language.
The Martians sent an Expeditionary Force to Earth in June of 1995. They landed next to a McDonald's Restaurant in San Francisco, California. Ten days later, they sent a message back to Mars saying that all 3,479 members of the Martian force had achieved, "macbigsoom." This Martian Spiritual expression is hard to translate, but is similar to: Nirvana or Valhalla.

Some understanding of Martian philosophy and metabolism is helpful in understanding their reaction to a McDonald's Restaurant. The main and defining philosophy for all Martians is, "I eat, therefore I am." They must seek good, hearty, meals served promptly in a friendly environment. Also, every Martian has a mini-black hole in their lower intestine. This means they eat a lot and they eat often. Independent studies have proven that these 3,479 Martians consumed 11.4 Billion Big Macs in only their first 10 days on Earth. The studies didn't say how the Martians paid for all those burgers.

NSA intercepts indicate that the Martians are trying to purchase all McDonald's Restaurants on Earth, but there is a problem with Martian currency. Martian money is personally retained reserves of methane gas. The Martians offered McDonald's 63 Trillion cubic feet of this flatulence to complete the sale. The Negotiator for McDonald's was so surprised to hear this that he involuntarily broke wind. To the Martians, this is their equivalent of the Queen of England tapping you on the shoulder with a sword. The McDonald's Negotiator said later that it took three weeks for all the hickey marks to go away. Until a satisfactory means of delivery for the Martian currency is discovered, negotiations are on hold. One very interesting point on all this, is that the Martians have not yet discovered that Coca-Cola is available at McDonald's Restaurants.

McDonald's Officials are retaining this information as a bargaining tool, and for safety reasons, as this critical fact would surprise the Martians so much, they would involuntarily break wind. Theoretically, a flatulent release of that magnitude would result in:
  • Earth's solar orbit speeding up.
  • Our north and south magnetic poles reversing.
  • Every microprocessor on Earth running backwards, with corresponding alterations to time and space.
A similar event (of unknown origin) 63 Million years ago, is thought to have wiped out the Dinosaurs and created the Asteroid Belt. The only known personal protection against this cataclysmic event, commonly called: "The Big Bang", is the prestigious Lottomars Club T-Shirt.

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Revised: 25 Nov 2017 16:13:12 -0800.

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